I lie in my bed listening to my 'sleeping songs' on my laptop, just a mix of slows really. I begin to wonder about that boy I'm seeing not like there has been discussion about where we are. I like him yes!!! but its beginning to feel like I'm the only one gradually going into the overliking mode. Yes, where you start to like someone too much, Iwon't use love because I have never been. For all I know he is skyping his girlfriend and me am just jonzing.Why do I keep getting into these situations?, I ask myself. Keep putting myself in the position where its hard for me to ask the 'grand man chaser question'...... where is this going?
Ladies, many of us keep going through this and we kind of form the habit of meeting the same men again and again. We read a lot of self help books that give some unrealistic advice we all know they do not work.I have finally come to a conclusion, we make the same mistakes because we keep looking out for that 'guy' and forget we have a life to live. A friend once asked; choose two out of health, money and love. I picked health and wealth, reason is I'm tired of believing in love jare, my own is it will come when it comes abi. For me I want peace of mind.
Sure your thinking, isn't she in a state right now, oh yes I am. A state of satisfaction, I won't even ask the question not because I don't want him to run but because I can't be bothered no more. I am overliking true but it dies when I want it to. Real talk here, you can control what you feel trust me. If we are on the same page all well and good but if not I still have my money and good health bless God and the love of friends and family most importantly.

GRATITUDE

February has been a month I thought would never end but here we are in March, soon it will be April. I just want to say in every sadness, in every pain there is a light of hope and all we need to do is hold on to it. Believe and you shall receive. Last month I had a lot of things to be angry about, not like its completely over though soon I know I will smile. Through it all, I can only say thank you Lord. He made me flourish in places i never thought I will, never imagined to be at this time of my life. Even in my tears and sadness I still have every cause to give thanks. I still have things working for me in different places and I know soon the devil will be shamed. Hold on to your faith because that's what still remains when all is gone, when we are alone God is still there, when it seems like your world is crumbling, still smile:its a sign of victory. We shall conquer Amen.

I saw an advertisement on TV two weeks ago, it was about a biscuit. It was so well did that I said to my friend "I need to get this biscuit". Few days later she went out and I made her get the biscuit or never come home. When I tasted it, I was so disappointed and promised myself, I would not be easily deceived again. Same thing happened two days ago, we saw an advert on durex play, and to get a sample we had to like it on their fan page. My friend did. I thought to myself these people are good, no wonder their adverts run for long.
Same thing when you hear so many good things about someone but when you meet them, its like they are overrated.
Or when you meet a good looking person, you would expect that their attitude would be just as good but it turns out they have a shitty attitude. Your inside should be as beautiful as your outside though this does not apply to those that do not even take care of their outside; i.e you look like you need to be in the shower for a month or smell like it or dress up like you are a joker. Thing is that advertisements work and so leave a lasting impression when you meet someone.  A while ago, my friend called for a cab, I guess she was so pleasant on the phone that till today even when I call the cab company with my phone they always call her name first. Just imagine what whoever might have picked would have said after the call that day. Just like how a good perfume lingers on your dress when someone hugs, let your attitude leave people intrigued that they would want to know more.

"Anne will you be around for the fellowship?" No ma I would be travelling to Abuja that day, I lied. This will be the second week the reverend's wife is inviting me for the women's fellowship. I have tried to cover up the scars, they are more obvious unlike before. John has started drinking again, since he lost his job he hasn't been the same. We met at the university, five years ago. He a final year student, I was just in my second year. I had gone to the cafeteria with my friends, as we prepared to leave, this good looking guy walks in. I immediately began adjusting what wasn't there. We had eye contact and both smiled at one another and I left. Afterwards, it was easy to spot him in school and I made sure I smiled whenever I saw him. One day, I saw one of my friends talking to him, as a sharp girl I corner him and start asking questionsT. He told me his name is John okpala, a final year student and committed to a girl in another university. My heart sunk on hearing the last part and I moved on. After graduation, I was posted to Lagos for my youth service. I saw him at the bank I was posted to. He recognised me instantly and asked what I was doing at the bank. " I was posted to this branch", he smiled at took me to the manager's office. One day after work, he offered me a lift because of the rain. We got talking, it was a Friday and the traffic was just worse than ever. We stopped at the galleria to pass time before heading to the mainland. There I found out he was single again. Just fresh out of the relationship and obviously bitter. We had a few drinks at the bar that night and I was so drunk. He had to take me to his place since I couldn't describe mine because of my state. We had sex, seven weeks later I found out I wa pregnant. In my mind, I have caught the man of my dreams, we got married because John couldn't bear the thought of having a child that won't have both parents living together. I was elated but I couldn't show it, I had to act like I was sad aswell. I thought I knew him enough, he has a good job, fine man and stable too. What more could a girl ask for. Fast foward five years, wish I could change the hands of time. I miscarried the pregnancy the week he lost his job. I had to lie to the doctor that I fell down in the bath tub. Those days, I could hide the scars with makeup. Now I hardly smile because it actually hurts to. I get fresh wounds each day. He has made me desert my friends, I can't smile, for I fear my face would crack. I hear his car horn at the gate, it's 3 am. Another long night as I await his wrath, I wonder; when will I be free? Maybe never.

As a was writing my last post, I looked checked my blackberry for updates as I am trying really hard to detach myself from my phones but its not working. I saw a friend's display picture, it was a wrecked car, obviously an accident just happened. I asked him what happened then he says his friends just had an accident but, they are in the hospital now. I kept on checking on him asking how far with them though I do not know his friends.
It then occurred to me that I am usually freaked out about anything.
I lost my mum at age 15 and since then, I have made it my duty to check on my loved ones regularly just to assure myself they are fine. Now I can guess their emotions over the phone. I try to check up on my closest friends the same way, they probably do not like it but they understand that I won't stop no matter the complaints I get.
I think a few of us are scared of the uncertainty of life that we just want everything under our control. I usually put up that front of "I don't care attitude" but deep down I'm thinking what if I don't get to see this person again, what if we stop being friends, what if the world comes to an end, what if,what if, what if. I spoke to a close friend of mine about it some days ago, she told me "sisi you need to calm down. Everything will be fine as long as you trust God". I told her "but I do now" she said total trust; does not mean you should not worry but do not think of the bad side first. I am sure some of my friends are thinking to themselves "who is this freak", I honestly do not blame them, I know I will be nasty if it were me. Maybe that is why they prefer calling at odd hours when i wont pick so they can leave a voice mail............hmmm. I really do not know.
Doesnt stop me from trying to stay awake so I can know my friend's friends are fine. I would say a prayer for them too. I totally trust God but believe me it is hard loosing a loved one before you realised you could have had a better relationship now imagine more friends. God help us all.

PRIDE
When I was much younger, my mother would tell me that people who raise their shoulders are proud. In my head she meant physically **though I was right small sha**. So I usually slouched. Then she would shout "would you stand right before I smack you to that wall or anything that was around at that time". As I grew older, I thought keeping quiet and all was a sign of humility;then came gender equality.
I still do not understand the male pride thing. As a woman, we are emotionally attached to everything, regardless of what it is. The environment I grew up in is an open one. WE tell each other everything and are open to anything no matter how hard.
Then comes the adult stage where I have to understand that all men have their pride. So, does that mean that women are not allowed to?  I also wamt to shut down and say to blazes with you, even when I am wrong or say because of my lack of something we can not be together.........yes sometimes I do.
Take for instance, my friend dated this guy for a year,  they had issues and he went on twitter to say really bad things about her. They broke up and he went back to his ex. Now he is back as a friend but surprisingly he has not even bothered to apologise for all he said and did. He still expects her to be nice to him. As a forgiving person, I told her to be nice but when she explained everything to me I had to let it go. Now most guys would want to defend this dude but seriously that is plain stupidity. 
I know I might not be able to reach that stage where I would say I understand fully the reason for some of their actions but why say its the male pride.
Is it the same pride that makes you give up that one person you know you will be happy and content with because you have no money? What if she is willing to understand that soonest something better will come.? Or act like things are al-right when you know you have to apologise for what you did wrong. That actually disgusts me. Do not play dumb just apologise and let us move on. Most of all get off your high horse and accept that women are created to be by your side and not in front or behind. She is there to listen and hold your hand, and vice versa. Though yes we need pampering but guys do too. So let go of your insecurities and be free.

Bleeding Heart

Aina stood in the rain, unmindful of how it was going to ruin her hair. She just got the saddest news of her life, her best friend just died, stray bullets they said. Who will listen to her rant; share her joys and her pains? Dale was there when mummy died; he was there when she got her letter of appointment. They actually planned on shopping that weekend before he got shot.

He was that person that believed in better tomorrows for his country. During their university days in Houston he always talked about going back and claiming the land. His dreams, they both shared. When every Saturday night of coke and crackers for him, chocolates for her, they would sit staring at the sky talking about corruption and how he cannot wait to go back and join the struggle for a better tomorrow.

After graduation Dale smiles “Aina its time for history to be made”. On getting back to the country they had to go for the compulsory one year service. They were both posted to Abuja, bliss. After the one year service, Dale lands a job in a Television company, he was posted to kano. He called that day to tell her; “Aina it’s a start at least, I will be fine. You can come visit too”. Little did she know; that was going to be the last they would speak.

He got shot during a shoot-out between the police and the dangerous sect in the country. What did the young bright man do to deserve his life cut short? How will his dreams be actualized? She hates politics and violence. When did the country get to this level? Why did they come back? Dale and his cheerful self. He hoped to one day, become a renowned activist. Hoped that his country would one day, be free from corrupt governance and violence. The masses would not be neglected, the government would be true and fair to the society.

The rain stops, the sun begins to shine again. Maybe he’s watching, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, right?